Flawed but Forgiven: Mom of an Adult Child

When I turned 18 my mom gave me a very bizarre birthday present. It was a key. She called it the key to my chastity belt, and I'll be honest - I had no clue what that meant.

Also on that magical birthday, I was freed from all of the constraints that had defined my high school years. I no longer had a curfew (I never had one anyway, I just couldn't go anywhere) - the only thing my mom asked of me is that I let her know if I wasn't going to be home so she could be sure the house was locked. up overnight.

I went from not being allowed to go anywhere with anyone no matter what, to being permitted to go anywhere I wanted, with anyone I chose, at any time, for as long as I wanted, and all I had done to deserve this magnificent freedom was have another birthday. Mind you, I had already graduated from high school, but it was still an overwhelming amount of responsibility to have dumped on me all at once. In fact, from that magical day forward, I was also required to pay rent to live at home with my mom, and I always thought that was fair. It was a small price to pay for being able to come and go as I chose.

I never agreed with that process. It still doesn't seem like a good idea to keep children captive until they turn 18 and then unleash them on the world. I made up my mind a long time ago that I would give my children small freedoms, and unless they proved to deserve otherwise, their privileges would gradually grow until they were fully prepared to function as responsible adults.

Then divorce happened. And I don't mean to even hint at anything other than what I'm saying right here: The minute the decision-making became shared between two households, I realized that I suddenly had only 50% of the influence over my children. As such, I'll never know if my philosophy raises more responsible children or not.

So, my first experiment had a magical birthday last month. Yes, my firstborn son has become an adult for most practical purposes, and today he decided to check and see if it was really true. He called to ask me if he could get his lip pierced.

My first reaction was what you would probably expect. "No!! Don't do that! You'd look so disgusting and people won't take you seriously, and you'll have a hard time finding a job!" And even as he was wasting his breath gently countering my objections, the truth started to set in. This isn't up to me. This is his money and his face, and therefore, it's his decision. I needed a minute to let that sink in, and I also didn't want him to think he had talked me into it, because THAT has always been a definite NO-NO. So I told him I'd think about it and call him back.

I thought about it but I came up with nothing other than the ole "As long as you're under my roof ... " But really, is that plausible? The people who stick the needle through his skin don't ask whose roof he lives under - they only check his age. He could very easily have gone and done it, and then come home with the nasty ball poking out of his chin, which very well may have pushed me to tears. How do I want him to handle things in the future? Do what he wants and get forgiveness later? Or do I want him to give me an opportunity to express my opinion and let him make his own decision? I know the latter is more my style. I disagree with it. I won't like the way it looks or the message it sends to others, but I have never been the controlling tyrant and I won't start now that he's 18.

So I ran it by my husband. We both think it will send a message that does not represent the responsible, intelligent young man that he is; however, we both agree that it's his problem. My responsibility lies in making sure he's aware of anything that he might not realize due to being too young to know better. Once I've told him it's going to affect him adversely in certain ways, the rest is up to him. I won't love him one bit less. I won't throw him out on the street. I won't pretend to like it, but I won't spend every waking moment nagging him about it either. Like me, he's flawed but forgiven, and I'm glad he loves and respects me enough to wish he could have my blessing before making a decision like this.

I gave him my opinion and told him that's all it is. My opinion. The decision is his, the expense is his, and any potential consequences will also be his. Suddenly I couldn't figure out why we were even discussing it. It's not like those house rules we set for the safety of our family (no friends over when we're not home, etc.). It's none of my business really. Yes, I know, he lives under my roof, and blah blah blah, but guess what? His piercings don't affect my home in any way, just as his hair being long has never been a bad thing either. Honestly, if anything, that has been a big help to him, making him extremely recognizable. I never saw that coming. And believe me, he takes better care of his hair than anyone else I know.

A few years ago, Justin and one of his friends pierced each others' ears. They did it in a bedroom of his dad's rental house (I think) with a needle which they "sterilized" and shared. I was mortified. If he had to do it, he could have at least had it done professionally!! Needless to say, I was extremely upset, but I had no say in that matter. He lived with his dad, and they must have had some type of permission because otherwise his dad would have lost his mind, and he didn't.

As if the at-home piercing wasn't enough, he then proceeded to start guaging the holes - making them bigger and bigger (just for fun and fashion??) He is one of the most brilliant people I've ever met - with a godly character to go along with that brain of his - and here he was, guaging the holes in his ears, supposedly intending to continue until they were the size of quarters, just because all the cool kids were doing it. Oh, I despised that, and I made sure he never misunderstood my opinion on the matter. It didn't change anything, of course, but eventually one day he just got tired of it and took them out. :: yawn :: Boring .... Done.

I originally thought that's what would happen with the long hair, but it looks like that will be "hanging around" for a while (haha!)

So ... will the pierced lip be like the hair? Or more like the earrings? I hope he gets bored with it quickly, but if not, I'll love him just the same. Now I have to decide if I'm going to get over myself and get on board with his new fashion statement, or if I'll invent some appropriate nickname for him and use it each time I see him sporting his new piece of jewelry.

This whole concept of parenting an "adult" child is a foreign concept to me - and my own upbringing is no help at all. Like the hair, and the earrings, I think I can get through this. There are worse things, right?